Herodotus Parody

So over Thanksgiving break our Greek professor emailed us with a creative writing assignment: write a narrative about Thanksgiving in the style of Herodotus. At first I was angry that she would assign this, on short notice, over a holiday break, all the while we're supposed to be writing our research papers (due monday). So I finally sat down to do it the night before: and it was great. I never write creatively unless forced, but it turned to be quite fun, and it was quite a mind cleansing exercise. So, I'm posting my Herodotus parody below. For those of you not fimiliar with him, it may seem ridiculous (well, actually, it is ridiculous). But those who've at least read the opening of his histories or are at least familiar with his convoluted narrative chronology and ethnic stereotypes, you may get a kick or two. Enjoy!

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Hence is the inquiry of Jonathanasius of Minneapoleos regarding the cause of how both the Thanksgiving turkey became small, and the Americans became fat. The tradition of eating turkey every year in celebration of wealth came as a result of the American’s European heritage. Many Americans who emigrated from Europe, particularly those due west of the Ural mountains, were descendents of those people who warred with the Turks, who later became known as the Ottomans. They left the ruined and destitute cities of their homeland for the promised paradise of the Northern part of the Americas. Upon arriving, they were disappointed to find that North America was already populated with many who resembled the Turks in customs and skin color. Some, μεν, of the newly arrived were determined to live in peace with the natives of the land; others, δε, slaughtered them in vast numbers, and laid waste their civilization.
Now these Americans, as I have observed, practice the custom of preparing a turkey dinner yearly during their month called November. They call this custom ‘Thanksgiving,’ since everyone before taking part in the turkey feast must express their thanks to the gods for their two-fold blessedness – that they both escaped the Turks of Turkey, and defeated the Turks of America. After the thanks-giving they eat a bird which they named ‘turkey’ to commemorate their superiority over the Turks. This bird, once wild, they domesticated and kept on their farms.
The turkey, as everyone knows, is the only animal in the world that does not have ears. The Americans also thought the name appropriate since Turks never understood their language.
Long after the first Europeans settled in America, their lifestyles changed, much due to their economic practices. Every American, at first, farmed and labored for their food. Later, they made their livings while sitting in chairs. Before long, these Americans began to grow large: their activeness faded, while their appetites for turkey remained unchanged. Those in charge of America sent messengers, electronically into their television sets and painted on large billboards, with the following message: “If thou continuest to eat the turkey as thou art accustomed, but keep in thy slothful ways and do not pay heed to the Surgeon General’s prophecy, surely wilt thou suffer great malignity.”
Obstinate in their sloth, and unwilling to part with their commemoration of victory over the Turks, the Americans dismissed the warning. Many years later, the Americans suffered the outcome of their folly. For many years earlier, the Americans had a great civil war, during which there were many casualties, and thus a need for healing magicians, whom they call doctors. After the war many doctors were unemployed because, compared to the years during the war, people were relatively unafflicted in their health. Unemployed and disgruntled, the doctors decided to instill a fear of death in the Americans, since before this Americans were unabashedly optimistic and unmoved by death. So these doctors sent messengers to the Americans with the following speech: “You all are going to die mercilessly if you do not come visit us and take our elixirs.”
The Americans, being awoken to this fear of death visited the doctors in abundant numbers. The doctors, however, were so greedy that they raised the price of their consultation. The Americans, driven by their fear of death and desire for immortality, could not resist the doctors’ aid. And due to the rising prices, they became disgruntled at the state of health care in their country. They were thus punished, due to their unwillingness to give up their sacramental Turkey feast, and to their obsessive anxiety over the afterlife, to pay ridiculous prices to maintain their health, while simultaneously cursed to forever mar their health by consuming large amounts of turkey smothered with copious dosages of gravy.
The turkey, it is said, can be prepared in a variety of ways. The most common recipe is to set the oven at 350 degrees, but before baking the turkey…[ed. note: This recipe unfortunately has not survived the manuscripts. While some Jonathanasian scholars conjecture that the author intended the recipe retrieved from the manuscript of “Joy Christian Fellowship Church Cookbook,” others argue that he surely meant the sumptuous “Raisin-Stuffing Turkey” recipe in Folio B from “Betty Crocker’s Complete Kitchen Extravaganza.” I, however, think it is undoubtedly the recipe newly recovered from extant text “Martha Stewart Living.”]